Dilemma

My heart races when I see you,
But you don’t know it.
I get weak in my knees when I’m near you,
But you don’t notice it.
I get nervous when I talk to you,
But I don’t show it.
I dream about you,
I crave you more each day.
It puts me in a trance when I see your face.
Your voice is my pulse’s song.
Your smile just increases how much I yearn.
I tell my friends about you…just referring to you as ‘this girl’.
I tell them that I have never met anyone like ‘this girl’.
I tell them I badly want ‘this girl’.
I want you to be the centerpiece of my world.
All these things, you don’t know.
So many things, I don’t know if you will ever know.

In my dreams, we have had the perfect date,
We have traveled to many places,
I’ve seen you from every angle.
You are my assigned angel.
In my mind, I have already touched you.
In my mind, I have already made love to you…
Confirming the hidden love I have for you.
I want to ask your friends about you,
But I don’t want to give anything away.
If only I knew the right words to say
To make you see me on the inside
So I won’t have to keep this trapped inside.
In bliss with you, is where I want to be.
I want to give you the best of me.
How to make it happen? I don’t know.
Do you even want to know?
What can I do to show it?
I don’t know how long I can suppress it.
For so long I’ve been keeping it in.
I can see it in your eyes.
I’m scared to make my move because I don’t know what you’re thinking.
Don’t want to step out and fall on my face.
Don’t want to reveal my feelings and feel ashamed.

Walking Away/Why Should I Stay?

Him:

I’m sorry, but I have to end our friendship.
It’s so hard, but I know I must do this.
I enjoy the time we spend together.
Lately, we have grown closer than close.
Our phone conversations are becoming longer than most.
Ending this, never crossed my mind
Until the moment your lips reached out and touched mine.
When I look into your eyes, I can tell you want to be with me.
It becomes evident when you want to take trips with me.
Believe me, you are very much my type.
When it comes to my dream girl, you are the prototype.

The thing that always holds me back
Is the fact that we’re from different sides of the track.
I may not meet your family’s expectations.
It may seem irrelevant, but it’s a critical revelation.
I can’t begin to touch your background.
Your parents may look down at my background.
We are from two totally different places.
I know love has no prejudice, but its courage that I’m chasing.
The road to your heart, I would like to travel.
But I know the chase will cause me to unravel.
I don’t want our love to carry any baggage.
I don’t want love to face things that will run it ragged.
I don’t want you to be hurt. Now I’m in a Catch-22.
Either way, it’s gonna cause pain to you.
So my decision is to walk away.
With your credentials, you can find a great guy any day.
You know my reasons are real.
I wonder why, for each other, we had to feel.
So today, I am walking away.
Just know that in my heart, you will always stay.
How to keep me from leaving? It’s only one thing I can say…
Tell me why I should stay.


Her:

Baby, you should stay because of your love for me & my love for you.
You know there isn’t anything else on this Earth that’s so true.
I know I can easily meet any other.
But no one compares to you. You’re like none other.
True, there are some things we’d have to fight through.
And I know that love conquers all. I’ll go through any battle with you.
I don’t care what the trial may be.
I don’t care what my family thinks.
I gotta do what’s best for me.
Love is blind and pure.
Through anything, I know we’ll endure.
This is the first time in my life I have been sure.
I kissed you that night
My love for you turned definite from a might.
Today I want you.
Tomorrow I need you.
Forever more, I want to be with you.
Let’s just make it happen and focus on this.
I refuse to lose you over some ignorant politics.
If I come to you, will you let me in?
As I stand at the beginning of my lifeline, are you on the other end?
Having you is the key to everything.
If my heart talked, would you listen?
If you were the star upon I wished, would it make you twinkle?
If only I could gaze into your eyes and whisper,
“It’s my heart that’s standing in need.”
It’s the reason why I’m on my knees begging you please.
One good reason why you should stay?
Love is the reason. Just embrace it, never leave, and stay.

Love

You crave for it, even when it’s not gone.
At all times, it gives you strength to carry on.
It turns heavy burdens to being light.
Even in the darkest hole, it’s a bright light.
It’s said to be abstract,
But you better believe it’s concrete
Because you feel it, see it every time it’s near.

Some of us say we want it.
But don’t know how to treat it.
It’s a gift from the Heavens above.
This precious thing is what we call Love.

For it’s not a want, but a need.
It’s essential if anything is to succeed.
Just to utter its name, one must be so bold,
Because it comes from depths of the soul.
It makes you fly like a bird, though you’re grounded.
Some search a lifetime and still can’t find it.

If love stared you in the face,
Could you see it in your sight?
If it started to take control of you,
Would you put up a fight?
If love whispered your name,
Would you pay attention and listen?
Or, would you ignore it
And keep hoping, praying, and wishing?

Defining Moment

Your defining moment.
Do you remember what it was?
What was it that showed you all you were made of?
Your vision was no longer cloudy.
You stopped looking for things that couldn’t be found.
Gained newfound strength...no longer felt weak.
Stopped being someone else…only focused on being ‘me’.
Had more security in ‘me’.
Believed more in ‘me’.
Invested more in ‘me’.
Told the world “This is me!
Love me or hate me,
It doesn’t bother me!”
Sold out for ‘me’.
Of your life, you finally took ownership.
When did you stop treating life like a game?
When did you say ‘moving forward, my life will never be the same’?
Decided to stop settling for being mediocre and started shooting for championships.
Sun started shining brighter.
Life’s burdens became lighter
Because you decided to stand up and be a fighter.
You transformed and started sowing good seed,
Allowing hope to rain down. And a great harvest, you reaped.
No more standing around because you took control,
Realized that the reflection you see is who you owe.
It was something different about your ambiance.
It was something like an epiphany and a Renaissance.

It may have been big…may have been small.
Either way, you were no longer scared to fall.
Let go of the weight of the world.
Was no longer scared to step on the scale.
Understood you had to press on and tip the scales
In your favor so you could fly.
Embraced your talents, your abilities.
Refined your skills. Harnessed your capabilities.
Your shining moment. Your defining moment.
Stopped letting anything else define you
Because you took ownership and decided to write your own definition
And tell YOUR story YOUR way,
In your style…in first person.
No need for someone else to observe and pen it in third person.

Your life.
Your struggle.
Your wins.
Your losses.
Your ups.
And your downs.
Your moment. Your defining moment.
Stopped letting anything or anyone else define you
Because you took ownership and decided to write your own definition

Believe In Love

Someone asked me if I believe in love.

I said, "I don’t believe in society’s love that’s figurative
But in real love, from the core, that’s literal…
Not the love that is a rendition,
Nor the love that needs to be petitioned.
I told her I was waiting for love that was more than a situation,
For a love that’s above the standard, creating love’s new translation.
I’ve seen love that’s unwilling.
I’ve experienced love that’s unfulfilling.

I want love that will engulf me in total consumption.
I want love in totality, with no assumptions.
I’m not searching. I want it to find me.
Need it to embrace me,
Reveal things to me
And show me that it’s not temporary,
But when it and my soul collaborate, it will create history…
Putting me in the Hall of Fame
Because I reached the pinnacle of love & love’s the one to blame
When it entered my life, playing no silly games.
In chaos, love, be my peace.
When frustrated, ease my mind. Soothe me.
Show me I’m priceless, exceeding all costs.
When I can’t find my way, find me when I’m lost.

I believe in love, but don’t need it to be superficial.
Only capture me when it’s emotional, physical, mental, spiritual.
I want love to step out of fantasy
And infuse itself in my reality.
Seizing my hopes and dreams,
Not afraid to surrender, how about me, it feels.
Right now, I’m not standing in desperate need.
But in my pit, I am hungry
For something so spectacular,
Encompassing everything that it is.
No more dead-end situations. No more conflictions.
I need love to be my new addiction.
I relinquish any previous retaliations,
Opening my soul…releasing all afflictions.
So yes, in love, I do believe,
Shown by my heart’s words that it’s ready to receive.”

Pushed

6 months.
24 weeks.
180 days.
4,320 hours.
Tried not do any reflecting.
But it’s necessary…can’t help it.
Life has been so ugly.
I’ve been tested, been tried
In ways that I’ve been tested never before.
Received piercing words I thought I would never hear.
Lost those who were so near
To my heart. Actually, they were in the center.
Left me ripped to shreds, slashed me apart.
Each day, felt as if I carried the world’s weight.
There were many questions.
I had no answers.
Many problems.
I had no solutions.
Emotionally exhausted.
Spiritually tested.
I slowly drifted to rock bottom.
Couldn’t really share because no one would comprehend
The magnitude of the matter.
I was being pushed to the end.

Perfect Timing

Was not by chance
Wasn’t by happenstance
That two souls merged as one.
The stars were instructed to align at this moment
Bridging the gap...bringing you together.

Was not a coincidence.
Just look at the evidence
Of the time it entered your life.
Been dreaming of it through the night.
It trespassed on your territory. You didn’t have to fight.

Time ordained that this would be so
Because Fate said it's time for this story to be seen and heard.
Shhhh!…listen to the heartbeats. They're synchronizing, playing the same song.
Affection was once gone. It’s here again,
Spreading its wings like an eagle, ready to fly.

You’re in the midst of the circumstance.
It’s up to you to make it last.
The swim to destiny is a long one.
On the way, it’s possible you may not be strong enough,
But you will never know until you try.

Was not by chance.
Treat it as if it’s the final chance
To reach the apex and go the distance.
At this time, these events were meant to transpire.
Time is of the essence and it’s all yours.

Emancipation

Sitting in silence,
The feeling is bittersweet and, simultaneously, vibrant.
This was a new day.
Leaning back, she gazed at the turning blades on the ceiling fan,
Closed her eyes, and ‘reminisced’:


Flashbacked to the sound that could be heard around the house.
Never knew that would be the start.
He hit her, and she didn’t know the reason.
There NEVER is one. She couldn’t describe the feeling.
Figured it would be OK…just needed some healing.

He apologized. Said he would never let
His emotions overtake him like that again.
Said he lost his cool
And wanted to do all he could to make it up
Because he acted a fool.

Remembered when he later put his hands around her neck.
Though she won’t admit it,
That night, she thought she was dead.
No longer understood what was going through his head.
Yet, she didn’t heed the warning and looked for better instead.

But the havoc never ceased.
He fell short on his promise
Because, his emotions, he failed to halt.
She knew she needed to get out of the situation.
However, the kids made things complicated.

His response to her feelings was indifferent…
Continued to put on an abusive clinic.
But she believed it would be different, keeping one eye on the present
With the other on the future…
Looking beyond the fact that it was all a fading picture.

She recalled the exact time she lost her sense of identity,
And the times she beat herself up plenty.
Years ago she lost her self-respect.
Zero in return is what she came to expect.
Could find no more reasons why she kept giving her best.

Threw her hands up, close to giving up from becoming a shell of herself.
Even her shadow forgot who she was.
The pain was deepened from seeing the tears in her children’s eyes,
When they asked her, ‘Why
Does Daddy treat her that way?’…taking her spirit to the brink of dying.


Papers in front of her, needing her signature.
They would emancipate her.
She would have her freedom.
She could finally sign because her kids are old enough to understand.
She’s now ready to leave the past behind and live again.

Under The Radar

Never been flashy or garnered much attention.
Never gotten all the hype or grandeur.
I’ll have it no other way.
I have my blinders on, trying to run my race
To reach the finish line of Success,
Living in fear because Failure is out of the question.
No pain, no gain.
No struggle, no progress.
No cross, no crown.
Many get caught up in the hype.
I just try to thicken my substance.
Try to live by Christ, try to live right.
Don’t have to put on a show to publicize
What I’m all about.
My actions will do the verbalizing.
How dare I let my tongue villanize?
I refuse to be stopped by anything or anyone.
Some people, had to put them asunder
Now they call and I don’t even recognize their number.
So I’ll continue to live my life in stealth, flying under the radar.
No matter what, trust me, I will get far.

Don’t be fooled. Confidence may be hidden, but it’s at its peak.
So if I walk past you and don’t speak,
Please don’t mind me.
I’m on the grind, trying to beat the deadline the world has given me.
Chips on my shoulders?
Used to be until they transformed into boulders.
Don’t mistake my kindness for a weakness.
I just kill them softly. Take a seat and witness
Greatness you have yet to see,
That’s about to come into existence because I speak it…
Not just by the words of my mouth…I believe it.
It’s my drug, and I fiend for it.
It’s my future bride, and I’ve fallen for it.
It’s food to my soul. So I hunger for it.
You’re sleeping on an untapped resource.
You keep on passing me by and ignoring.
Just know that when I’m on top, it will be flooring.
When I reach the pinnacle of Successful,
The next stop will be Impeccable,
Where you can’t judge me by a dollar sign…
Sitting in a place where you have to respect my mind.
Or call it my mine.
Diamonds you will find…
The fruits of my creative lab,
Combining chemicals chemists wished they had.
So, world, at your own risk: Continue to judge this book by its cover!
And I’ll keep doing my thing: flying under the radar.

Untitled

On the highway, driving home for Thanksgiving,
A voice said, “This may be the last time you see him. So take advantage
of it.”
I shook it off, not trying to think negative thoughts
Or go back to the day the doctor said the cancer had spread to his lungs.

Prayed before getting out of the car; then walked into the house.
He didn’t look well while lying on the couch.
Said he was feeling weak, not feeling quite right.
I thought, “He’s having a bad day. Everything will be alright.”

Thanksgiving, everyone enjoying the festivities.
He still didn’t look right. It had me concerned; I couldn’t eat.
The doctor in the family said he was dehydrated.
I figured that’s why he was so disoriented.

To the hospital we go so he can get some fluids.
They said they would keep him overnight…
At most, maybe only a few days.
But he knew what no one else knew: he would never leave that place.

Still staying positive.
By the hour, he seemed more responsive.
He was having good days.
I kept praying, believing everything would be OK.

So I decided to go back to Alabama that Sunday.
Before I left, he smiled and said “I love you, Son!”
I smiled back and said, “I love you too, Daddy!”
Hugged him, having no idea those would be the last words I’d hear from him.

Tuesday morning on a call to my uncle,
Who usually sounds strong; but today he sounded funny.
I asked, “Do I need to come in?”
His response: “That may be the best thing.”

At work, I couldn’t control that moment and I cried.
Reality was starting to be realized.
“I gotta go.”… is what I told my clerk.
“I’m getting my things, and I’m going home.”

In my apartment, I started packing.
Was constantly talking to God to keep from cracking.
I did something I didn’t want to do:
Had to reach in my closet, grabbing my black suit.

Made it to the hospital in good spirits.
Went in the room, my dad had totally diminished.
At that moment, it was only a matter of time.
Asked God to let me view this through His eyes and not mine.

Doctor said, “It could be hours, days, or weeks.”
Inside, I knew Death’s angel was coming with his fleet.
So for the next 10 hours, I got my composure…
Hearing what he always told me my whole life, “Look out for your sisters.”

Felt his body. It was like ice.
He made his peace with God, no longer putting up a fight.
So I told him things I’d never told him before,
Like “I love you more than anything, and you’re my #1.”

It was tough, in the waiting room, waiting for his life to end.
But I knew he was going to a better place than
This life we live here on this Earth.
All I could think was “Ashes to ashes…dust to dust.”

Instantly, I went to being ‘The Man’.
I pondered, “How can I live up to him? He was such a great man.”
God whispered, “You’ve been prepared.
Lean on me. You won’t fail.”

Never in my life, had I felt so much pressure.
Then again, never thought I would lose a parent so young.
They say, all wounds, time will heal.
That remains to be seen. But I’ll do what my dad always told me, “Just keep on living.”